“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
#dnd #ttrpg
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.