I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
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I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Tier 3 meme
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree