Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Good morning y’all ☀️
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”