me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking