Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Beware of fowl play.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.