STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
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My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Pikachu found the lost joint
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.