Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
You Might Also Like
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.