In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
sry
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks