My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Hard not to take this personally
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?