The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.