my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Hitlers gonna hitl
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
tourist season
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop