Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?