Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
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Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.