Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
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I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Love this one 😂🧟
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.