My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
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Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.