(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
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Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
this is what they would have looked like, though
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.