ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Spring cleaning checklist…
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Had to try this trend 😊