[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Science memes
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
be careful
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Awesome parenting 😂
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose