Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
oppen heimer style lol
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
finally
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?