Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Lmao
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.