The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
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First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese