Note to self: I am a note
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[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
#CoronaOutbreak
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
May never get over this
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.