It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
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I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
ouch
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years