Typos are what differentiates is from robots
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how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
So creative 😂
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My blood type is coffee.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors