My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
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The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg