You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
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*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.