You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
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Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…