There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
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her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters