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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I just ran a .003048K
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
the answer was staring at me all along