If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]