Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter