You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
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*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.