Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it