Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.