Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.