If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
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My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
These are my emotional support Pringles.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Bros before Ohioes
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.