Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
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ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.