*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
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me working on my assignments ^-^
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
barbara was highly relatable
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
You wish you had this many chins.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19