Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.