I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.