You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦