if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef