DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.