He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
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Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Battery falling down a hole
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE