My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.