I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
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This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Happens to everyone.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred