INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
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Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I’m putting together a team
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.