If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
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Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.