WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?