Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
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good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.